i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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