woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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