Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
