She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
