i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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