mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize