now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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