tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
