i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
