the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
