he puts the penis in happiness.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
