I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
