get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
