I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
