Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize