Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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