Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize