So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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