Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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