Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
