Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
