Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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