I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
