I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
