10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
