Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
