Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
