People in love make me want to vomit
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
