Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize