so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
