you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
