I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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