Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
