Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
