Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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