dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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