i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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