I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
