I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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