I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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