I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Watching her eat just hurts me
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
