haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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