We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish they made helmets for livers.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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