Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
