My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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