yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
