dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize