Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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