we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
