what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Drunk is not a location!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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