You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize