I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
