Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
