he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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