I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Watching her eat just hurts me
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
