Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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