I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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